Danny Amor's Online Library/Danny Amor's Online Library - Volume 1.iso/html/startrek/parody/tng/theuntoldstoryoftheborg.i-ii

Text File | 1995-08-20 | 25KB | 651 lines

   Forgive me if you've seen this before.  Just thought I'd repost it for
the fun of it.  Also in the works:

           * A parody of the old ST:TNG episode where the holodeck becomes
             sentient
           * A Love Boat - Startrek parody (includes elements of Married
             With Children, long story...)
           * A combined parody of Generations and that ST:DS9 episode where
             everyone got real horny (think: Nexus, etc.)

Oh, and the first one listed also includes some Nightmare from Elm Street
elements in it (another long story).

   And now ... the Grunge Encounter, Episode I.

   The Star Trek theme starts up followed by the loud roaring sound of a
passing starship emanating from the near vacuum of outer space.  Despite
nearly three and a half centuries of research in the highly speculative
field of Vacuum Phonon Propagation scientists in the 24th Century still
have yet to explain why there's sound in outer space.

   "Captain's Log, stardate 46502.2.  Our scanners have picked up an
unusual sub-space signature in this quadrant of deep space and we have
decided to explore it to determine whether it is a phenomenon worth
exploring.  As we conduct this rather inconsequential mission, much of the
crew has decided to take a leisure break.", *pound* *pound*, "-- damn
machine."  (Dramatic music begins).

--------------

   In the darkness of the salon, one could make out the oddly attired
patron leaning against the counter next to a strong feminine presence.  Off
to the side at a nearby table four cowpokes straight from off the range are
engaged in a raucous contest of poker playing skills.  The stakes are high:
four guns are on the table.  The bartender is placing some exclusive
bottles of finely aged booze up on display and his assistant is rummaging
around behind the counter.

   The barkeep's assistant, Hoss, emerges from beneath the counter.  "Jake?
Where's the floor wax?", Hoss slips and falls.  "On the floor", Jake
replies.  Against this backdrop, Commander Riker is engaging in some deeply
intimate banter with his companion.

   "So what's a beautiful woman like you doing in a grungy outfit like
this?", almost before he had time to finish the question he felt the sharp
sting of a hand against his face, "I meant the bar, not your dress." (More
dramatic music)

   Before she had a chance to forgive him for being misunderstood by her, a
loud crash could be heard at the salon door.  In limps a furry alien being
with a face looking remarkably like that of Data, a face framed by
extremely long and floppy ears -- rather like a Vulcan after bad plastic
surgery.

   Silence pervades the room.  Slowly the furry Alien limps toward the bar
counter, dragging his bad foot on the floor behind him.  As he reaches the
counter he pauses a moment to look around.  And then suddenly without
warning he pulls out a large revolver and with the speed and precision
characteristic of an android systematically shoots every bottle of finely
aged booze on display.  The crowd recoils, Jake curses, the poker table
falls over and Riker backs away pulling his lovely companion back with him
tightly into his arms.  Hoss slips again, "Durned floorwax!"

   Quickly the Alien turns around to face the mystified bar patrons, points
to his injured foot and barks out the question in the most amazingly adept
Western accent, "WHO SHOT MAH PAW??!"

   A voice from afar breaks into the scene, "Commander Riker, please come
to the bridge immediately."

   "Computer", Riker, "halt program".  The scenery is replaced by the
featureless grid of the holodeck interior.  The Commander exits from the
newly opened doorway.  He stops just as he passes through and looks back,
"damn, I forgot to save the woman!".

--------------

   "Captain's Log, stardate 46502.1.  We just received an unusual emergency
beacon call out here in deep space from an unidentified vessel which
inexplicably disappeared from our long range sensors.  We are arriving at
the location of the last sensor reading.", Picard begins pounding the
armrest.

   The turbolift doors open and Riker comes stumbling out with the biggest
grin on his face.  He takes his seat next to the Captain across from the
Counselor.

   "So where have you been?", Troi asks (already knowing the answer).  The
Captain briefly gags and gasps for air (and then goes back to pounding).

   "Captain...", the security officer awaits an acknowledgement.  "Captain??!"

   "How do you shut this damned log machine off??!  Leave it to Starfleet to
come up with these forsaken ... ah, there we go.  Oops.  Counselor, remind
me to erase the last 10 seconds of the log.  Yes, Worf?"

   "I detect a vessel on the long range scanners."

   "Can you identify it?"

   "No."

   "Then why are you bothering me with..."

   "Wait ... it's cube-shaped.", the music crescendos.  Counselor Troi's mouth
goes agape.  The Captain suddenly keels over gasping for air.  (Dramatic
music flares up).

   "Sickbay, Medical Emergency!", Riker yells out.  "beam the Counselor to
quarantine!"

   "Wha...?", and the Counselor disappears before she has a chance to fully
verbalise her surprise.

   "I can't believe how easily Betazoid women get bad breath.  No wonder
they learned telepathy."

   Picard immediately recovers and starts to breathe normally again and
states the obvious: "They've returned.".

   "Who?", Riker cut in.

   "It's the Grunge.".  The musical accompaniment crescendoes again.  "...
and will someone shut up that damn orchestra?!"

   "How do they make that thing go??", Worf goes on, "And you'd think
they'd have enough sense to make a ship that looks halfway decent."

   "They're Grunge.  They don't give a damn about how they look."

   "Captain, we're receiving a hail from the Grunge ship."

   "Open hailing frequencies.  This is Captain Picard of the Federation
starship Enterprise..."

   "Hailing frequencies open, sir."

   "Ah yes ... um... this is Captain Picard of the Starship Enterprise.  We
are on a peaceful mission, please state your intent.  What are you doing in
this sector with that engineering travesty of a ship?"

   The Captain was cut off immediately, "We are Grunge.  Appearance is
irrelevant.  Intent is irrelevant.  You will escort us to Sector 001 where
you will be assimilated to the Grunge.  You will all become Grunge.  You,
Captain, will become our representative."

   "You have got to be joking!  You don't think we're given these multicolored
array of uniforms just for insignia, do you??"

   "Irrelevant."

   "We will resist you."

   "Resistance is futile."

   "This is the ENTERPRISE, the best ship in the fleet!"

   "The Enterprise is irrelevant."

   "We are Borg."

   "The Borg is irrelev... wait just a gosh darned minute here!"

   "Intruder Alert!  Intruders detected on the bridge.", the Klaxon alarms
immediately sound out.

   Three Grunge materialize on the bridge.  Before any of the bridge crew
has a chance to respond, one pulls out a large lima bean shaped device and
squeezes it, causing it to make a loud (and rather flatulent) sound.

   "It's the Grunge Bomb!  Hold your breaths!", but the stink pervades the
bridge too quickly and most of the crew passes out.  The remaining two
Grunge grab on to the Captain as he is passing out and with the other
intruder they all materialize back onto the cube vessel.

   A minute passes, and the crew emerges back into consciousness.  "Data??!
What the hell happened?", Riker yells out in suprise.

   "I filled the room with a strong dose of Anaesthezine to slow your
respiratory processes and then proceeded to recirculate the bridge
atmosphere, whilst simultaneously analysing three classical pieces by Bach,
a Klingon opera, and the still unresolved 20th Century proof to Fermat's
Theorem and tracking the motions of the Grunge vessel.  You are all safe
now."

   "Why didn't you try to stop them?"

   "I thought it was the Counselor."

   "Fire on the Grunge ship!", Riker yells out.

   "We cannot...", Data responds, "they shut down our power systems."

   "That's impossible.  There's no way they could have learned to access our
ship's computers in so short a time!  Hell, we've been through years of
starfleet training and half of us can't even use our own machines."

   "Captain, we're getting another hail from the Grunge ship."

   Nobody responds.

   "Riker??!"

   "I'm not the Cap ... oh yes... I am.  On view screen."

   The most ominous choral musical score pervades the bridge and the image
of the Captain fills up the screen -- now attired on a knee-length floral
dress and army boots.  As he speaks, his voice sounds oddly affected.  His
appearance has been altered drastically: he now has hair.

   "...of the Grunge Consciousness... oops ... um ...", and he starts again,
"...we are Who, of Grunge"

   "You are who?", Riker asks.

   "Yes, we are."

   "Are what?"

   "Who."

   "How the hell would I know?"

   "Your attempt to distract us will not work, Number One.  All that the human
named Picard has known is now part of the Grunge.  All of your actions have
been anticipated and prepared for.  Resistance is futile.  You will escort
us to Sector 001 where you will assist us in assimilating you into the
Grunge."

   "Sector what?"

   "Earth, dammit.  And it's Who, not what."

   A tractor beam immediately locked onto the Enterprise from the cube vessel
and it was reeled in next to the Grunge ship.

   "Sir, the Enterprise has just experienced a direct hit from the Grunge
vessel.", Data announces.  Everyone on the bridge jerks to one side and
starts to fall over.  "No wait--", they freeze, "it's only a tractor
beam.", the crew all recover their stance.  "The Grunge vessel is pulling
us into close firing range."

   "It would seem...", Worf commented, "that the Enterprise has just been
hoisted by its own Picard..."

(To be continued...)

In the next episode of The Grunge Encounter...
   ... "The Grunge vessel will be in range in approximately 63 seconds.",
       15 seconds later ... "the Grunge are now in range."

   ... "It is the emotion chip.  Worf triggered it again.", Data said

   ... the rhythmic sound of the breathing apparatus ... "I sense...
       fear, yes, fear of this starship and its finely engineered
       proportions."

   ... "I am a machine.  So I have some experience playing with machines."

   ... "Sorry, I'm only human.", Data said.

   ... "No", Geordi said ... "any attempt to fire on it and destroy it will
        only improve its design.

   ... "Doctor", Data cut in, "if I may note.  Who is not noting the object
       you're holding so much as suggesting a course of action."

   ... "No!  We must not cut it off.  The sudden loss ... may lead to a
       state of shock and trauma..."

   ... A deep masculine voice from the Hooded One broke into the
       conversation.  "Perhaps that is their weakness"...

   ... "Did you try cutting it off?"
       The doctor intervened here, "No!"

   ... "My God, what have they done to you, Captain?"

   ... "And take off that damn hood..."

   ... The Counselor suddenly came to life.  "Allow me... ".

   ... "I'm having trouble getting his bra strap loose."

   ... Worf called out.  "Sir, the Grunge vessel is firing on us"...
       The doctor hurried into the turbolift.

   ... "Strip...".  Her robe dropped to the floor...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
"That boy was our last Hope.", Lucas's mentor lamented.  "No, Bob", the
Aged Filmmaster corrected, "you were". -- Return of the Jedi Filmmaker
Path: tivoli.tivoli.com!tadpole.com!news.dell.com!swrinde!howland.reston.ans.net!spool.mu.edu!uwm.edu!omnifest.uwm.edu!omnifest.uwm.edu!not-for-mail
From: [e-mail] (Mark Hopkins)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek.misc
Subject: Parody Time! (The Untold Story of the Borg, II)
Date: 29 Jan 1995 02:29:50 -0600
Organization: Omnifest
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Distribution: na
Message-ID: <3gfjlu$[e-mail]>
NNTP-Posting-Host: 129.89.70.58
Xref: tivoli.tivoli.com rec.arts.startrek.misc:27185

(Was that Darth Vader, we heard saying 'perhaps that is their weakness' in
the teaser for Episode II?  Read on for the Revelation).

In the last episode of the Grunge Encounter:

   ... scientists in the 24th Century still have yet to explain why there's
       sound in outer space...

   ... *pound* *pound*, "-- damn machine."  (Dramatic music begins)

   ... "Jake?  Where's the floor wax?", Hoss slips and falls.  "On the
       floor"...

   ... "So what's a beautiful woman like you doing in a grungy outfit like
       this?", (*slap*) "I meant the bar, not your dress."  (Dramatic music)

   ... rather like a Vulcan after bad plastic surgery...

   ... suddenly without warning he pulls out a large revolver ...
       "WHO SHOT MAH PAW??!"

   ... "Computer, halt program"... "damn, I forgot to save the woman!".

   ... Counselor Troi's mouth goes agape.  The Captain suddenly keels over
       gasping for air. (More dramatic music)  "Sickbay, Medical Emergency!...
   ... beam the Counselor to quarantine!" ...  "... bad breath."

   ... "It's the Grunge.".  (yet more music) "... and will someone shut up
       that damn orchestra?!"

   ... "Intruder Alert!" ... "It's the Grunge Bomb!  Hold your breaths!"
       "Data??! What the hell happened?" ...  "I thought it was the
       Counselor."

   ... "we are Who, of Grunge... All that the human named Picard has known is
       now part of the Grunge ... Resistance is futile...

   ... "Sir, the Enterprise has just experienced a direct hit from the Grunge
       vessel.", Data announces...

And now ... The Grunge Encounter II.

   "The Grunge vessel is pulling us into close firing range.", Data announces.

   "It would seem...", Worf commented, "that the Enterprise has just been
hoisted by its own Picard..."

   At that instant, a loud bang is heard as Data's chair falls back and the
android lands on the floor in convulsions.

   Riker is totally caught off guard, "What the hell is going on??!".

   Data instantly stops and gathers himself up back in his seat.  "If I
had a shot of Guinan's whiskey for each time I had to save your asses,
I would be one hell of a drunken android.  And so I am."

   "You were convulsing!"

   "It's the emotion chip.  Worf triggered it again."

   Suddenly a call came in from Engineering, it was Geordi.  "Commander Riker,
we have our power back."

   "What's your point?"

   Worf cut in, "Sir, if I might suggest, we should fire on the Grunge."

   "Oh, yeah, right.  Fire on the source of the tractor beam!", Riker orders.
The hold is relinquished and the ship freed from almost certain destruction at
the hands of the Grunge.

   "Sir, the tractor beam has been released.", Data announces.  All the crew
on the bridge suddenly jerk and fall over.

   "Set for Warp factor 9, and let's get some distance from this ... ship",
Riker orders while getting back up.

   "Sir, the Grunge vessel will puruse us and they have superior warp ability."

   "Yes, Data, I know.  That's what I'm counting on.  How long before they
will catch up to us?"

   "Sixteen minutes and thirty six seconds."

   "What??!"

   "Sixteen minutes and thirty six seconds."

   "Ha!  Not anymore!"

   The Grunge leader, Who, stands idly by staring out the cube-shaped Grunge
ship at his former starship as it suddenly breaks hold and disappears into
warp.  After clearing some of the strands of dirty blond hair from his face he
directs the Grunge ship to head in pursuit.

---

   It was all quiet in the meeting room, except for the rhythmic sound of the
breathing apparatus emanating from a crew member who was enclosed inside a
dark metallic frame and hooded helmet.  As the rest of the crew took their
seats the monotony was broken by the deeply masculine synthesized voice
interrupting the regular breathing.  "I sense... fear, yes, fear of this
starship and its finely engineered proportions.  This is why they desire to
assimilate it.  Yet they have no fashion sense whatsoever, and despite their
constant striving to fill the void they have yet to find their fulfillment.
They will not rest until they have all the star systems in the galaxy firmly
in their grip."

   "Is there any weakness in their ship we can exploit."

   "No", Geordi went on, "their ship is already such a disaster of engineering
that any attempt to fire on it and destroy it will only improve its design.
It is a most ingeniously botched construction, years beyond the Federation's
research in Adaptive Engineering."

   "Captain, the Grunge have no honor.  We should turn around to face them in
battle.  There is no greater glory than for a Klingon to die in a hopeless
battle."

   "It's a wonder any of you are still around."

   The Hooded One spoke, "I must concur.  Even on my world we have a tradition
of fashion sense, and consider it a glory to fight in defense of our
sensibilities."  The room went silent but for the breathing sounds.

   "Yeah, right.  Anybody else have any suggestions."

   "Sir, may I ask you a question?"

   "You just did."

   "Sorry, I'm only human.", Data went on, "Sir, if I might suggest, turnabout
is fair play..."

   In the next five minutes, Data went on to explain what he had meant, and a
plan was formed.

---

   The crew had reassembled on the bridge. and the rapidly approaching Grunge
vessel could be seen on the main screen.

   "The Grunge vessel will be in range in approximately 63 seconds.", fifteen
seconds later the ship rocks as the tractor beam is reestablished, "the Grunge
are now in range."

   "Prepare to execute plan Riker A.".  Data suddenly gets up and starts
punching away at Ensign Crusher at the neighboring console.

   "No, I said Riker A, not Riker J!", Data quietly gets back into his seat
and the theme to Mission Impossible could be heard in the background.  A voice
from Engineering breaks into the bridge, "site transport commencing..." and
suddenly the Hooded One disappears and is beamed onto the Grunge ship."

   After appearing on the cube-shaped ship a growing throng of Grunge arrive
to defend against the intruder, who has just managed to make out the long
blond hair of the former Captain Picard.  The sight of the floral dress and
army boots takes the intruder aback, "My God, what have they done to you,
Captain?"

   Before they could seize this unexpected invader, he promptly removes his
hood and exposes her true identity. "Hhhhhhhi there.", she greets them, "I'm
hhhhhere to rescue Whhhhhhhooooo."  Suddenly, the ship alarms are set, one by
one Grunge fall to the floor unable to breathe.  The Counselor patiently steps
over the growing mass of bodies and reaches the Captain just as he's about to
collapse.  "Troi to Enterprise.  Two to beam to sickbay."  Quickly she puts
back on her hood and the two disappear and reemerge on the starship.

---

   An assistant arrives with a pair of long scissors.  Before he has a chance
to use it, the doctor intervenes.

   "No!  We must not cut it off.  The sudden loss of hair may lead to a state
of shock and trauma from which he'll never be able to recover.", Beverly went
on to explain.  "Instead, let's hold him in stasis and do some scans on the
follicles.  Initial scans indicate that they may not be blond."

   "I am currently monitoring a sub-space signal which I believe is keeping
Who in constant surveillance by the Grunge.", Geordi announced.

   "Who?", the doctor asked.

   "Yes."

   "Yes, what?"

   "No, Who, not what.", Geordi says pointing to the captain.  "Who is his
name.  Anyhow, it would seem that they are totally relying on him to direct
their fashion sense and so cannot cut off their contact."

   Who suddenly speaks up, "I am lonely."

   "We'll fix that in due time, Captain.", Beverly assures him.

---

   Once again, the meeting room is silent but for the breathing sounds of the
Hooded One.  "How long before the Grunge ship catches us again?", Riker
enquires.

   "Approximately 19 ... 18 minutes and 57 seconds.", Data says.

   "I'm sorry, I didn't quite hear that."

   "18 minutes and 57 seconds, Sir."

   "Not anymore!  Ha!"

   "Not quite, Sir.  I made the appropriate adjustments this time."

   Geordi then brought up some urgent news, "Captain, we detected a subspace
link between the Captain and the Grunge ship.".

   "Did you try cutting it off?"

   The doctor intervened here, "No!  I believe that the loss of hair in so
short of time could lead to trauma."

   "I meant the link."

   "No", said Geordi, "we believe that right now this is the only thing that is
sustaining Who."

   "Sir, if I might suggest, perhaps there is a link here."

   "Duh!"

   "No, I mean that they appear to be relying on the Captain for his fashion
sense.  They may be no more able to cut off the link than the Captain is to
cut off his hair."

   A deep masculine voice from the Hooded One broke into the conversation.
"Perhaps that is their weakness", Troi went further to elaborate on her
comment, "If we can access this link, we may be able to stop the Grunge."

   "But how?  We can't even use our own machines half the time, much less
manipulate a subspace link.", Riker noted.  "And take off that damn hood,
Counselor.", she starts to remove it, "The doctor said you were", *gag*,
"um... cured".

   "Sir, if I may suggest, I am a machine.  So I have some experience playing
with machines."

   "But your emotion chip..."

   "I removed it.  It kept triggering convulsive states and cackling noises at
the oddest times."

---

   "Effusivity coefficient at 90% of maximum.", Beverly noted.  The doctor
then brought out a large metallic razor-like device.

   Then to the suprise of everyone, the Captain spoke up.  "Strip."

   "Duh!"

   "Doctor", Data cut in, "if I may note.  Who is not noting the object you
are holding so much as suggesting a course of action."

   Beverly began to sweat profusely, "you can't uh... possibly mean..."

   "Yes, Doctor.  That is precisely what I am suggesting."

   At that, the Doctor began taking off her clothes.

   "Perhaps you misunderstood...", Data said just after she unfastened her
bra, "... I meant the Captain."

   The Counselor suddenly came to life.  "Allow me...", and she began to
approach the Captain.  Suddenly, Who went into convulsive shock and began
gasping for breath.

   "How can this be??!  I'm cured!", Troi protested.

   "Yes, Counselor, but if I may be so bold as to suggest, it's not the
Captain who is reacting but the entire Grunge race via the subspace link.
They are not aware of your changed state."

   "If he strips then the Grunge, being intimately bound to his precedent,
will follow suit.  The resulting shock will confuse and immobilize them for
an indefinite period.", Data went on,  "So someone else will have to strip
him.  Beverly?"

   The doctor by this time was profusely sweating and her face was flush red.

   "May I suggest that you both return to the bridge?  I will do it myself."

   "But how will you know what to do?"

   "I do not know.  I have never done this before."

   As both women left the sickbay, one could hear faint whispers about someone
named Yar...

---

   The Klaxons were now blaring.  The cube-shaped Grunge vessel now filled up
the entire view screen.  It now had the Enterprise in its tractor beam and
was reeling it in for close range firing.

   "Bridge to sickbay, what the hell's going on down there??!"

   Data's voice pierced into the bridge, "I'm having trouble getting his bra
strap loose."

   "Well, hurry up, we don't have any more time left!", then Riker quietly
noted to himself, "I'm?"

   Worf called out.  "Sir, the Grunge vessel is firing on us", at that instant
everyone started to fall over, "No wait-- ", everyone frooze, "they stopped."
The crew recovered their stance.  The doctor hurried into the turbolift.

   "Data, what the hell happened?", Riker called out.

   "Sir, the Captain is naked", suddenly a loud crashing sound and screaming
noise could be heard in sickbay, "Beverly, how did you get back so quick?...",
Data then cut off transmission.

   "I am detecting erratic power fluctuations from the Grunge vessel", Worf
announced.

   "Shields up!  Red Alert!"

   The cube vessel suddenly and inexplicably exploded.

---

   As the Captain was resting in his quarters, the quiet of his apparent
solitude was interrupted by a ring at the door.  "Come in"

   The door opened, but nobody entered.  Somewhat mystified, the Captain got
up and walked to the door and was suprised by the doctor standing in the
doorway in her night robe.  "Beverly!  What are you doing here?"

   She slowly walked into his quarters, smiled and gently said to him,
"Strip...".  Her robe dropped to the floor and the door closed behind her...

   Troi's voice could be heard coming from another room, "who is that at
the door, Emzadi?"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I hate it when we run into one of those Lucas Plots in outer space!", gripes
the admiral.  "Plots do not concern me, Admiral.  I want that ship, and I
want the tapes aboard that ship intact!" -- Return of the Jedi Filmmaker II